Five Practices that Pull Partners into Wedding Planning
Whenever a couple plans a wedding, there will always be one partner that is more excited about the planning than the other. The excited one may lie awake at night, thinking about every wonderful detail, while their partner is snoring soundly. Unfortunately, sometimes the excitement difference can be extreme, and no one wants to plan a wedding by themselves. Because the day is for both partners, both need to participate in the planning. If your partner seems reluctant to help with wedding plans, here are some tips.
Explore reluctance
If your partner does not want to help with the wedding planning, the first step is to have a discussion about their reluctance. You may find that they are being unhelpful because they do not care about all the little details to go into planning. Ask your partner if there is anything they might WANT to help with. Just like you have things that you care about for your wedding day, your partner might, as well. If you can help your partner identify things about the wedding that they care about, they may be more willing to help with these aspects.
Communicate clearly
If you need help addressing envelopes, ask for it. If you want an opinion on napkin colors, tell your partner. Be straightforward, and say what you mean. It’s very easy to dance around the topic and make passive-aggressive comments. But these tactics will not get you what you want. And believe me, you do not want to add resentment into this mix. Weddings are stressful enough without poor communication and the resulting emotional response. If you are clear about what you need from your partner, they will have a better chance of meeting your needs. So speak up and be clear.
Be persistent
This is not going to be a one-time conversation. Even if your partner jumps on board and helps with half the things that need to get done, ongoing communication about what you need from them will still be important. Worst case scenario, and they still will not help you after one conversation, do not give up. Some people are not first time learners. Be persistent. Allowing your partner to blow you off will set a bad precedent for your marriage. The sooner the two of you can learn to communicate and compromise about difficult situations the better. Continue to converse with them about their reluctance.
Avoid the blame game
It’s easy to point the finger and shame our partner for not helping us with something so important. You might be saying, “How could you abandon me like this? You are so lazy.” But no one wins the blame game. Instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong, tell them what you are struggling with and how they can help. Set them up to be your hero, rescuing you from having to do it all alone. Placing all of the blame on your partner will only make them defensive. And defensive people are not helpful people. Get around their walls by focusing on I-statements instead of you-statements. Own that you cannot do it alone.
Do not be a nag
It is important to be persistent about things that are important to you, but do not nag. Use communication skills that you would use in a professional setting, refraining from contempt and criticism. It may take your partner some time to come around. Be patient with them. Once they begin to help in small ways, express that this is what you want and that it makes you happy. Even participating in a wedding conversation without getting irritated is a good start. We often forget to praise our partner, but it is an effective way to increase behaviors that we want from them.
Remember that your partner has other things on their plate, too. Allow them to take breaks when they need it. If you make it feel like a chore, it will become even less appealing to them. A late night out with the friends can go a long way. Let them do whatever they need to do to keep the experience enjoyable.
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